Balance within: a reflective practice for connecting with different parts of you

***inspired by “Community of selves” technique created by clinical psychologist Miller Mair

The self is an incredible, powerful life force – rich in complexity, depth, and some paradoxes. At times, our sense of self can feel like a comforting haven, while at other moments, it can seem like an overwhelming maze where we get lost.

Years ago, during my therapy training, I was introduced to the idea that our inner world is more about “both…and” rather than “either-or” when it comes to our human contradictions. True integration begins when we recognize that our sense of self isn’t a single, uniform entity but a dynamic flow of many opposing perspectives.

One meaningful way to understand the complexities of the self is to view it as a community, with each member having its place in our overall well-being. Some of the parts I’ve come across over the years of working as a therapist are: The Inner Critic, The Defeated Child, The Megalomaniac, The Traveler, The Professor, The Rug, The Savior, The Divorced man, The Parent, The Single woman, The Author, The Idealist and many more – each defined in a very unique way that a person experiences it.

Personal Construct Psychology offers an interesting technique called “Community of the Self,” proposed by British clinical psychologist Miller Mair. This concept suggests that instead of having one coherent self, we are more like a community of selves who converse with one another.

Personal growth involves getting to know, acknowledging and nurturing this inner community. When the community of the self becomes fragmented – often due to childhood or adolescent trauma, neglect, or instability – internal dialogue breaks down, leading to dissociation and conflict among our parts (or sub-personalities as some authors call them).

Sometimes it is easier to recognize different parts of ourselves within the psychotherapy process – you can ask your therapist to assist you. This tool is created so you can start doing this reflection on your own.

1. Create a Safe Space for Reflection

Set Aside Quiet Time: Begin by finding a calm and comfortable space where you can engage in self-reflection without distraction. Journaling, meditation, or quiet contemplation can help initiate this process.

Engage with Compassion: Approach this exploration with kindness. Imagine you are meeting different versions of yourself as you would meet new people – curiously, without judgment, and with the intention of understanding.

Bare in mind: The idea of this exercise is not to come up with as many selves as possible 🙂 it is to actually identify which ones already show up in different contexts. Accept that your inner community is made up of diverse selves with different needs and desires. Each self has value, and your goal is not to suppress them but to allow them to coexist in harmony.

2. Identify Your “Selves”

Notice Emotional Shifts: Start by paying attention to how your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors change in different situations or contexts. Ask yourself: Who is showing up when I feel proud, comfortable, enthusiastic, or anxious, confident, shameful, or lonely? 

Name the Selves: As you identify different emotional states, perspectives, voices or patterns, give these selves a name and a description. If they were a character – what would they look like? What would their posture / facial expression be like? For instance, you might have a “Perfectionist Self,” “Inner Child,” “Fearful Protector,” or “Confident Leader.”

Recognizing the role they play helps you understand their intentions, even if their methods are sometimes unhelpful.

3. Engage in Dialogue

Write Conversations: Use journaling to dialogue with different parts of yourself. Ask them questions like: 

• How have you been?
• What do you want from me? 
• What are you trying to do for me? 
• What do you need?

Listen to Their Stories: Each self may have a unique story or perspective rooted in past experiences, particularly from childhood or adolescence. Allow them to tell their stories – where did they come from, and what shaped them?

Validate Their Feelings: Even if a part of you feels uncomfortable or unwanted (e.g., a self that expresses anger, fear, or shame), try to validate its feelings. These parts often developed as coping mechanisms in response to challenges or trauma.

4. Recognize the Fragmented Parts

Envision a self that can act as caregiver, manager or mediator within your community – a part that embodies wisdom, safety, compassion, and balance. It is a calm, centered part of you that can hold space for all of your internal experiences without being overwhelmed by them. It is a stabilizing presence that has the capacity to offer curiosity, kindness, empathy and protection to all parts of yourself.

This part invite the parts of you that may feel far away or disconnected by reminding them: “You are safe here. I want to understand you and hear what you need.”

Take a few moments to visualize yourself stepping into that role. What does it feel to connect to this caring, compassionate, balanced and wise part of you? How would you call this part of you? If this part was a character, what would it look like? What kind of skills, traits and capacities would this part have?

When you think of your different parts you explored above, ask yourself:

• Does the part X need comfort and reassurance from the Caregiver?
• Does this situation call for the protective and organizing energy of the Manager?
• Or is there an internal conflict that could benefit from the fair and balanced perspective of the Mediator?

Once you’ve identified which role is needed, take a few moments to visualize yourself stepping into that role. 

6. Practice Self-Compassion

Release Judgment: As you get to know your different selves, practice releasing judgment. It’s normal to have parts of yourself you’re not particularly fond of. They all developed for a reason, often as learning by model or developing protective measures.

Embrace Imperfection: Understand that the goal is not to perfect or control your community of selves but to integrate them in a way that allows for greater self-understanding and inner peace.