Have you felt frustrated on many occasions because your superior gives you overtime work repeatedly or who knows how many times you went to bed late and woke up tired because you couldn’t refuse to participate in solving the emotional problems of a friend? Do you accept to miss a group night out with friends because your partner feels jealous as he knows that an acquaintance likes you or do you have relatives or friends who regularly don’t return the money they borrowed? The majority of us can remember situations where other people’s behaviour makes us stand up for our choices, needs, feelings or beliefs, to defend our own physical or emotional well-being which is defined by our psychological boundaries.
What are (psychological) boundaries anyway and why should one about know them? A psychological boundary could be understood as a perception of emotional and physical space between us and another person or as a group of imaginary lines which mark where we stop and another person begins – where our emotional needs, beliefs, values stop, and someone else’s begin. In that way, a boundary means a psychological perception of space which points to the fact that we and other people are not the same, and also a perception of the space in which we encounter other people. It is important to clarify that physical boundaries (a sense of personal space, privacy, possessions, physical contact) are also psychological since we assign them personal, psychological meanings.
The concept of boundaries had been unjustly neglected in the psychological literature up to the mid 20th century and the first translations of psychoanalytic literature on this topic into English. This oversight of psychologists could be the reason why nowadays setting boundaries in relationships is most commonly associated with having an opinion which separates and dissociates us from other people, even with the spectrum of socially unacceptable behaviours. Exemptions can be found only in some individual statements that a senseless boss, an intrusive partner or a selfish friend are “crossing boundaries”. In other words, it seems that most people gain a perception of boundaries within which they function only after they have been crossed.
The space outside our boundaries is filled with the outside world, other people and their needs, but what can be found within them? Stern, a psychoanalyst, emphasizes that the first period for the development of boundaries is characterized by a newborn’s awareness that there is something “outside of it” which is not the same as “a newborn itself”. A child learns this by relying on its so-called proximal senses (touch, smell, taste and balance and movement) – first and foremost in interacting with its mother. It is through these sensations that a child’s inner world, the one within the inner side of its skin, is filled with the first perceptions of touch, smell and taste of a mother. That is why psychological boundaries are often understood through the metaphor of skin which embraces and contains within itself our inner world which develops into the systems of our conscious and unconscious thoughts, feelings, fantasies, impulses, intentions and body sensations based on our perception of the outer world. At the same time, this psychological skin separates us from the content of another’s inner world with which we come into contact.
With time the imaginary space between two sides in a relationship is gradually filled with parts of their inner worlds (i.e. their needs, habits, etc.). These parts alternatively give space within a relationship to one another, so we can sense that changes are constant in such dynamics. Each of the sides consciously or unconsciously chooses when and to what extent it will open its boundaries and accept to let in the needs, wishes, requests, feelings and thoughts of the other side. It is the variability of our boundaries on a dimension that we might mark as permeability – impermeability their basic feature.
Tendencies that we have regarding the permeability of our boundaries were shaped in our childhood by our parent figures. Therefore, we will probably notice that as regards this dimension we take similar stances in the situations for which we feel are like the ones in our childhood. Thus, if we regularly have a situation in which we give in to our partner’s wishes, we can ask ourselves whether we allow ourselves to stand up for our wishes that are not in line with the wishes of the loved one. Furthermore, for example, we can think of whether and how we have formed an opinion that we are not a partner good enough to our loved one if we decide to solidify our boundaries and defend our preferences.
Most of us have a need to thicken boundaries with, for example, fellow passengers in public transport, so that we are more prepared to defend them, if necessary, than with close friends and partners when boundaries can often be permeable and less fixed. One of those common places in this domain is the fact that functional boundaries are harder to maintain in close relationships where there is an intensive mutual dependence between people (partners, close friends, family members).
It seems that the majority of hardships stem from one important component of setting boundaries. Namely, to maintain our boundaries in a way that suits us, at certain moments we will have to say “no” to requests, demands, wishes of the other party – an action that may evoke the feeling of guilt if we perceive it as rejecting the other party. However, if we perceive “no” as our answer which we give with the aim of maintaining our boundaries, thereby saving ourselves from frustration and accepting what does not suit us, a boundary becomes something positive, something that protects us. If, thereby, we see that “no” as an answer provided with an explanation helps the other party to understand us better and to better identify the expectations that they can have from us, a boundary becomes something that also protects others and our relationships with them.
The first step in developing skills to set appropriate boundaries in relationships is understanding that our decision whether our boundaries will be permeable, to what extent and towards whom should be a matter of our conscious choice. Among other things, this development included practicing to identify moments when we are agreeing to setting boundaries in a way that does not suit us. How can we recognize that our boundaries have been crossed? Some psychotherapists suggest that intense feelings of discomfort, frustration or bitterness in relationships can serve as an indicator that we are in a situation in which we “are giving up” our boundaries or we are not assertive enough. We can often feel that we are being used by someone or that they do not respect us enough. However, it is usually our conscious or unconscious decisions on accepting what we do not want (for example, due to the feeling of guilt) or someone’s imposition of their expectations, values and opinions that lie at the root of these feelings.
As regards asserting one’s own boundaries, psychologists most often emphasize the importance of assertive talk skills. Being assertive means to clearly express your own thoughts, feelings and preferences politely and decisively. Assertiveness in a relationship, i.e. setting one’s own boundaries, can be more subtle (as in “I am sorry, I feel very tired tonight and I will not be a good company. Can we please talk tomorrow?”) or more decisive (as in “Don’t you ever dare take these shoes without telling me.”) depending on the context.
One should be prepared for different reactions when they decide to express their disagreement. Once you express your opinion to the behaviour of another person which does not suit you, you can expect acceptance, but also anger, frustration or attempts of emotional blackmail. Each of these potential reactions of disapproval can make you feel guilty which can consequently discourage you from being assertive. It is equally important that, together with preferences in relationships, you become aware of a potential feeling of guilt which may appear in the above contexts. The more aware you are of your feelings, better chances are that you will control them. Otherwise, your unconscious feelings can govern your choices.
Finally, we will also consider the importance of respecting other people’s boundaries. In addition to obvious disrespecting of other people’s boundaries (such as aggressive behaviour, threats, insults, destruction of property, taking control over someone’s life), some less obvious questions are of psychological importance. Do we tend to respect other people’s trust which they show when sharing information? Speaking in the context of boundaries – when someone chooses to share something with you and you agree the said will stay between the two of you, you accept to respect a boundary which determines with whom you can and you cannot share that information. Do we treat our new acquaintances whom we like as if they were our best friends? Different levels of closeness in relationships are characterized by different social norms in treating different people. If you share with the acquaintance you like the sexual problems you have with your partner or the history of the problematic relationship with your mother, it is likely that this person will be exposed to certain information which they didn’t choose to know about you. In addition, it is likely that you will be sending this person a message that you are choosing them for sharing this kind of information because you want to build a friendship with them, which affects the formation of their expectations as regards the boundaries that will be set in your relationship.
In the world of musicians, the theme about which Thome Yorke from Radiohead sang in the song Where I end and you begin in the verses “There’s a gap in between, There’s a gap where we meet, Where I end and you begin”, Bjork asked a bit more explicitly in the song Where is the line “Where is the line with you?”. An answer to her question seems to remain on each one of us to decide (preferably consciously) whether we want to say yes or no, to what extent and in front of whom.
By the way, it would be good that we bear in mind that setting good psychological boundaries is both important for us and our relationships. Being aware of our own psychological boundaries helps us convey a clear message of how we want to be treated and in which situations, and what can be expected from us. Instead of making promises about something that we actually do not want to fulfil or letting discontent grow inside us for a long time due to setting others’ wishes as priorities over our own, we can prevent potential conflicts by giving insights into our preferences to those around us. In that way, by maintaining good boundaries we protect both ourselves and others from negative emotions.
Original (in Serbian language) published on psychology blog Psihobrlog