What we don’t teach girls about female sexuality (and we should)? (part II)

Sexual fantasies are important, explore them.

In his book “Sex and the Psyche”, psychotherapist Bret Carr defines sexual fantasy as the flow of thought we have during masturbation or sexual activity with a partner, during the consumption of pornographic or other content. This author believes that we all have an internal pornographic cinema that displays a series of intimate and often very elaborate sexual fantasies on the projector of our mind:

“Whatever the content of our fantasies, there is no conscious human being who does not indulge in the process of creating fantasies, often unspoken millions of fantasies, during his lifetime.”

Fantasies can often be pleasurable, but they can also involve some discomfort, Carr points out.

“Fantasies often arouse excitement and disgust in us at the same time, thus producing great psychological confusion.”

In the context of women’s attitudes towards their own sexuality, this confusion may be particularly pronounced given the messages women are exposed to during sexual development. In the 70’s of the last century, Nancy Friday, the author of the famous collection of sexual fantasies “My Secret Garden“, pointed out that while collecting material for her book, she noticed a strong sense of guilt, shame and self-blame among the interlocutors. “Feeling guilty not because you did something, but because you thought about something – it’s sad,” commented Friday.

In his book Carr points out that, while searching through the literature he did not come across a definition of “normal sexual fantasy” anywhere, nor does he see the need for it.

Most experts who research sexuality agree that staying curious and getting to know our preferences, as well as creating settings in which we feel safe to explore them is of great importance for our mental health.

Researchers from the University of Granada also say that knowing one’s own fantasies can contribute to a richer sex life: “The more fantasies a woman has, the more often she is able to experience sexual desire.” The authors point out that the elaboration of sexual fantasies is often used in therapeutic work to reduce anxiety related to sexual activity.

Your sexual desire is important, too. Explore it.

Defining sexual desire is still a challenge for researchers and practitioners who deal with it, so we can say that today the definitions given by diagnostic manuals are almost as important as those given by individuals from their own experience. What most agree on is that sexual desire can be triggered by experiences that we describe as more “internal” (sexual fantasies, imagination, memories) or “external” (perceiving a person or situation as sexually attractive) and can result in behavior. but it doesn’t have to. It is usually accompanied by sexual tension that we experience on a physical level, but that does not have to be the case.

One of the interesting results in the research of gender differences is that there is a significant difference in the sample of women between what researchers call “the physiological sexual arousal of a woman” and “the subjective experience of sexual desire” that she reports about.

“Unlike male respondents, where there is a clear correlation between physiological measures of arousal and what respondents say they experience, this correlation is almost non-existent in women,” said Cindy Meston of the University of Texas.

One of the interpretations could, of course, be that women experience many more social prohibitions on the topic of expressing their own sexual arousal, which is reflected in how much they can talk about it, and how much they are aware of it. Researchers point to the pressure that society exerts on women to fit into social roles in which there is no place to engage in sexual desire, nor are women provided with adequate vocabulary to talk about the topic. Such a situation can create internal conflict. Women are often at odds with their sexual desire or physical arousal because of the social reaction they anticipate from the environment were they to appreciate their experience.

Also, research shows that women are characterized by variability of sexual desire which somewhat corresponds to the phases of life cycles such as menstruation, pregnancy, breastfeeding and menopause. In addition to these cycles, sexual desire also varies individually for each woman. The results indicate that sexual desire in the female sample is fluid and more flexible than in the male sample, and that women often report feeling attracted to both men and women.

Interestingly, while in men sexual desire usually precedes experienced physical arousal, in women it can often be the opposite – sexual activity itself or some other activity that causes physical arousal can lead to psychologically experienced sexual desire. This information may be important for understanding the way women experience sexual arousal, as well as for treating sexual dysfunction in women. If you are interested in exploring your sexual desire more, the instrument that can serve you is at this link. In addition to questionnaires like this, one of the important items in the framework of better care for your sexuality can be self-exploration of stimuli that activate or deactivate your sexual desire.

Finally, it is important to note that the absence of sexual desire is often socially stigmatized. The Movement for the Rights of Asexual Persons points out that about 1% of the general population today declares themselves to be “asexual” and that the lack of sexual desire does not interfere with their lives. Therapists who work with couples point out that often differences in sexual desire between partners lead to blaming the one whose desire is less pronounced, and that then the therapeutic process is aimed at decreasing guilt and judgement among partners, as well as improving communication on that topic.

Increase your awareness of bodily sensations.

Psychologist Cindy Meston points out that most women do not pay attention to bodily sensations, especially those that originate from the genital zone. She believes that women adopt a habit during socialization that they should ignore or neglect any sensations within this zone. Therefore, when they are interested in their own sexuality, women more often reach for the values ​​and beliefs of their social environment and much less devote themselves to researching their own preferences and bodily sensations.

One study on women’s sexual experiences finds that there are numerous variations in what kind of touch women prefer, in which parts of the body, with what pressure, whether it is repeated and in what way. The authors empower women to develop a more precise and rich vocabulary with which they can describe their own preferences so that they can get to know their sexuality better.

Therapist and coordinator of the team for research on female sexuality Lori Broto from the University of British Columbia, empowers women to “take the Buddha with them to bed”. She points out that the frequent disconnect between sensations in the genital area and women’s awareness of them (i.e. weakened interoceptive awareness) significantly affects sexual functioning. Judging inner voices, thoughts of inappropriateness, and feelings of shame, guilt, and anxiety often have a monopoly on the experience of a woman exploring her bodily sensations in a sexual context. According to Broto, they often distract attention, prevent a woman from being present with full attention and impoverish the experienced sexual desire.

Therefore, the author suggests that women practice meditations that encourage directing attention to different parts of the body and connecting with sensations in a way that nurtures acceptance of what the body is experiencing. With this practice, women learn to value their bodily experiences and be in contact with them. Broto finds that training women to practice meditation significantly contributes to their ability to enjoy sexual activities. We bring you an example of one cycle of meditative activities from her workbook. Enjoy!

Lori Broto program

1. Women first learn the basic principles of “mindfulness” practices in a non-sexual context. The goal is to bring the mind back to the present whenever distracting thoughts arise. One way to practice this is to take an item like a coin or a nut and slowly explore what it tastes, smells and looks like, what it texture feels like. If your thoughts start to wander, gently pay attention to the object. Practice this for 10 minutes every day by changing the activity (eg. while walking, eating a meal, washing dishes).
   
   You can certainly practice a more traditional version of meditation: close your eyes and focus on your breath in silence.
   
2. Then, women learn to explore their bodies in a non-sexual way so that the research does not cause them stress. The goal is to gain some control over condemning thoughts that comment on a woman’s physical appearance. Spend time observing your body during the shower or after it dries. Notice when judgmental thoughts come up and take your mind back to observing your body. Repeat the exercise using a mirror that gives you an insight into the genital parts of the body. Touch those parts of your body in a non-sexual way and stay aware of some judgmental thoughts if they arise, so slowly shift your attention back to what you were doing.
   
3. In this step, the women repeat the exercise from the previous step, but this time they add a sexual note to it. The goal of this step is to help women change the way they view their body and enjoy sensations in a sexual way. During the activities from the second step, say to yourself “My body is sexual”, “I am a sexual person”, “I enjoy my sexuality”.
   
4. Finally, women learn to link physical arousal and emotional satisfaction. In this step, you can use the sexual stimuli you prefer. In this step, meditative activity is integrated with sexual arousal so that women follow what sensations they experience.

References:

Ariel B. Handy, Amelia M. Stanton & Cindy M. Meston (2018): What Does Sexual Arousal Mean to You? Women With and Without Sexual Arousal Concerns Describe Their Experiences, The Journal of Sex Research.

Seal, N.M. & Meston, M.C. (2007). The Impact of Body Awareness on Sexual Arousal in Women with Sexual Dysfunction. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 4(4).

Herbenick, D. et al. (2018). Women’s Experiences With Genital Touching, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm: Results From a U.S. Probability Sample of Women Ages 18 to 94. Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 44(2).

Silverstein, G.R. et al. (2013). Effects of Mindfulness Training on Body Awareness to Sexual Stimuli: Implications for Female Sexual Dysfunction. Psychosom. Med., 73(9).

Published on psychology blog “Psihobrlog” on June 25th, 2018.